Trivia Clintonia

CLINTON'S PLACE IN HISTORY �

by Norman Liebmann

Bill Clinton is twisting his handkerchief and fretting about his place in history. Not to worry. Here is a list of his highlights future generations will have a tough time forgetting.

While taking the oath of office he became the first President to burn his hand on a Bible.

First President to detour a Presidential motorcade through a Jack-in-the-Box.

Changed the name of the Presidential plane to Haircut One.

Formulated his policy on tax collecting after reading a biography of the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Provided the poor with a work-free environment.

Sent American troops to Europe to stop Mexicans from sneaking into Bosnia and leaf blowing illegally.

Convinced voters he got the money for both his Presidential campaigns by winning the Publisher's Clearing House contest twice.

Renamed the Oval Office the Erogenous Zone.

Installed a toll booth outside the Lincoln bedroom.

Had Arkansas state troopers bring Paula Jones to his hotel room so he could show her his saxophone.

Only President awarded both the Congressional Medal of Vetos and The Citadel's much-coveted Shannon Faulkner ribbon.

Established Poor Mouth as the official language of the welfare state.

First President to get his name in The Guinness Book of Subpoenas.

Appointed Robert Reich White House foot stool.

Served in the military eleven days less than Riddick Bowe. (Bill Clinton was excused from the draft after Army doctors found quicksand in his spinal fluid.)

Married feminist Hillary Rodham whose idea of women's liberation is not being forced to have her hair done in Arkansas.

Planned the strategy to depose Haitian dictator General Cedras in which he left no stone unbribed.

Sent Jimmy Carter to make peace between the Munchkins and the Klingons.

Celebrated Veteran's Day by laying a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Student Defector.

Honored former business associates by declaring a national holiday called Visiting Day.

First President to have his likeness on the Mount Rushmore Motel.

Ordered barricades erected and declared Pennsylvania Avenue a demilitarized zone.

Replaced the annual White House Easter egg hunt with a Chinese swap meet.

Failed to reinvent government, tried to reinvent sex; tried to redistribute wealth, succeeded in redistributing poverty.

Signed a non-proliferation treaty with Hillary, but still proliferates around.

Encouraged voter participation by ordering election ballots printed in both English and Illegalese.

Shook hands with Yasser Arafat. Arafat denies it.

Tore up Vince Foster's fiftieth and final note threatening to kill himself if he didn't get an office with a window.

First President to undergo an integrity bypass operation.

Designated Arkansas as The National Speed Trap.

Demonstrated it's possible to get ahead in politics without succeeding, made Warren G. Harding look good, and kept a real President out of a job.

Caused God to re-register as a Republican.

Proved the Presidency is not attracting the kind of people it used to.

His three most memorable quotes are, "I didn't inhale" "Mistakes were made" and "The dog ate my copy of the Ten Commandments."

Bill Clinton's place in history? Down the hall, first door on the left.

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MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
Southern Style

Benign:     What you be, after you be eight
Artery:     The study of paintings
Bacteria:     Back door to cafeteria
Barium:     What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section:     A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan:     Searching for Kitty
Cauterize:     Made eye contact with her
Colic:     A sheep dog
Coma:     A punctuation mark
D&C:      Where Washington is
Dilate:     To live long
Enema:     Not a friend
Fester:     Quicker than someone else
Fibula:     A small lie
Genital:     Non-Jewish person
G.I Series:     World Series of military baseball
Impotent:     Distinguished, well known
Labor pain:     Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff:     A Doctor's cane
Morbid:     A higher offer
Nitrates:     Cheaper than day rates
Node:      I knew it
Pap Smear:     A fatherhood test
Post Operative:     A letter carrier
Recovery Room:     Place to do upholstery
Rectum:     Darn near killed him
Secretion:     Hiding something
Seizure:      Roman emperor
Tablet:     A small table
Terminal Illness:     Getting sick at the airport
Tumor:     One plus one more
Urine:     Opposite of you're out

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